


An Old Notebook...

by Baekhanded



Series: Twinyard Appreciation Week 2018 [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apologies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Light Angst, Reconciliation, Sad, a notebook of apologies, i think, kind of, words he couldn't say, wouldn't say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-06 10:10:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16385978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baekhanded/pseuds/Baekhanded
Summary: Aaron finds an old notebook that he doesn't remember.He reads it





	An Old Notebook...

**Author's Note:**

> Nov 6
> 
> Today is about SELF-CARE and making sure the twins take a little time for themselves for emotional and physical healing. Today is also a good time to pay tribute to their furry friends (therapy animals are a big part of self-care).
> 
> Bingo Hit:  
> A notebook full of____/dysfunctional family/one pretends to be the other

 

Aaron hadn’t meant to find it. He almost wishes he hadn’t. He never would have thought Andrew would have something like this, would have done something like this. Luther had sent a box of Nicky’s and Aaron’s old things from storage, and Aaron was going through it when he saw something he didn’t recognize. He knew it wasn’t Nicky’s. It was a notebook. Aaron thought, at first it might’ve been his, he flipped through it, looking for the old doodles he’d resort to leaving in notebooks instead of the notes he was supposed to be taking.

 

What he saw was his brother’s handwriting. Just a little different, less refined, less careless. Aaron stopped and went to the beginning then. It was almost like a diary, the start being so childish it tugged at Aaron’s heart.

 

A child’s apology. _“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. I don’t deserve a second chance, you were right. I’ll do better for my next family.”_

 

_“I’m sorry I wanted to be better. I wanted to be anything._

 

_“I’m sorry I begged. I’m more sorry for thinking you’d listen.”_

 

_“I’m sorry for bleeding on your nice towels, but I didn’t do it on purpose.”_

 

_“I’m sorry im sorry im sorry imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorr-”_

 

_“I’m sorry I was a twin. He deserves better. I’ll do better. I’ll do for you what I couldn’t for me.”_

 

_“I’m sorry I wanted a mother.”_

 

_“I’m sorry I got her.”_

 

 _“Aaron I’m sorry.”_ Aaron’s heart was clenching, his eyes wet. He read on. _“I’m sorry for pretending to be you, I’m sorry you’ll have to find out this way. I’m sorry you’re losing your mother and brother together, but i’m not sorry for doing it. You’ve suffered enough, and if this is the only thing I can do for you, so be it. You’ll never see this, you’ll probably hate me if you do. I don’t mind, but i’m sorry to cause you more pain. I’m sorry this witch caused you pain. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you from her heavy hands and bad habits. Your unfortunately weak will. But i’ll make it right. I wanted a family once, but i’ve learned since I don’t deserve one. Family isn’t what it was made out to be. Not to me. But you’re mine. We were together from the start, so it’s only fair at the end it’s me. You suffered because of me, now let me ease it. I hope you don’t mourn me, but I’m confident you won’t. You don’t know me. And I don’t deserve it anyway. I’m sorry you’re losing your mother, but i’m not sorry enough to let her keep living, having raised a hand to you. I warned her. I’m sorry you have to be alone. I’m sorry that i’m really not sorry.”_

 

“Andrew…” it came out on a breath. Aaron’s chest seized. His eyes stung. Damn that bastard. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream and yell and break things. He wanted to throw out everything in this box. He wanted to set it all aflame. He wanted to go back. He wanted to hug his brother. He wanted to be allowed to hug his brother. Even once. Heartfelt. He didn’t realize how much he missed him. How he had him but locked him out. It wasn’t smart, and it wasn’t good, but in Andrew’s mind it was. Aaron couldn’t accept that. He wanted to find every family that hurt his brother, that tore him apart. He wanted them both to be together from the beginning. He _wanted._

 

\---

 

“Aaron! I’m home you in here buddy?” Nicky called out into the house. It was dark, but he heard sound. He kicked off his shoes and followed it deeper into the house. “Aaron? Aaron!” Nicky rushed in, dropping his bag and throwing himself next to the small figure of his cousin. Deep, heart wrenching sobs tore their way from Aaron’s throat. Nicky’s heart broke.

 

He wrapped his arms around him without thinking, just needing to feel him and hold him and comfort him. Aaron let him. He latched onto Nicky’s sweater and cried into his chest. Nicky held him and rocked him. Pet his hair and kissed his crown. He didn’t know how long they stayed there, Aaron’s sobs slowly transforming to quiet sniffles.

 

The door opened. Aaron didn’t move, Nicky didn’t hear it, his attention on Aaron completely.

 

The light flicked on. Nicky flinched and looked up. Andrew stood in the doorway, staring at the two. His face unreadable but his hesitation apparent. He said nothing.

 

Aaron pulled his face from Nicky’s sweater, “You goddamn bastard!” Nicky flinched and looked down. Aaron’s eyes were red and tears fell anew. “Why didn’t you just run away, why did you put up with all of that bullshit. Did you really think you’d die? Did you think it’d be that easy? Why didn’t _we_ just run. You’re so goddamn smart but you’re so fucking stupid!”

 

Andrew didn’t move. Couldn’t probably. He stared at the pain and anger etching his twin’s face, the shock on his cousin’s. His eyes slowly made it to the notebook. He felt a brick fall from his wall.

 

“I hoped I would,” he said at last. Nicky made a pained sound. Andrew took a step closer, an arms width away and dropped to his knees. “If I died fixing that problem, it would have made up for all the other fuck ups.”

 

“You didn’t fuck up you fucking idiot! You were a kid! They were the fuck ups!” Aaron almost screeched. He wanted to reach out. He wanted to feel that Andrew was alive. Breathing. Here.

 

“Maybe, but I don’t regret what I did, you know that by now. You hate me for it anyway, what does it matter, what’s with all this. It was a notebook of an idiot child, it doesn’t matter.”

 

“Well maybe not to you, but you’re _my_ idiot child, you should have been! We should have been!” Aaron wanted them both, he wanted his family. Tilda could choke in her grave but right now. He had what he needed but it was still so goddamn far away. His brother was still so far away.

 

Andrew said nothing, he stared. He stared at the anger and grief on his twin’s face. He stared at the horror and pain on his cousin’s. He felt his heart being chipped away. They weren’t supposed to see that. It was supposed to be long gone and lost or burnt or buried. He carefully inched closer to his blood, his heart hammering.

 

“I’m not sorry,” he said, quietly, his posture reading acceptance, his hand upturned for his brother.

 

Aaron stared at his reflection. The apathy but the depth in his eyes, the not-apology and the hand. He carefully reached out, hand shaking to touch his twin’s.

 

Andrew closed the gap, accepting the closeness for the first time without violence. How could Aaron have ever believed his brother was a monster. He felt his twin’s muscles stuff but accepting, he twisted his hands into the back of his shirt and buried his face against his neck. He felt Nicky beside them, then felt Andrew shift an arm, then they were  warmer. They were all they had left, and maybe, just maybe they could make it through this. Aaron wouldn’t let the door close again, even if he had to throw his body in to jamb it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> (i wish id made this therapy dog but we can suffer together)


End file.
